Migraines
Migraines have been apart of my life since high school! They came in with a regence and have gotten progressively worse over the years. The pain, the tears, the auras, the nausea, the light sensitivity, the ice packs, the doctors and hospital visits, the medication trials, and the days missed…
Needless to say the migraine adventure has been a rocky one! But within the last 2 years, I felt my neurologists and I had finally gotten it right. A place where they were manageable, required less appointments, and had found the right medication combination including my rescue ones. So when I started this journey to motherhood, I was not fully prepared for the medication changes. Changes to not only my migraine meds but my allergies and asthma too. My neurologists has officially taken me off all preventative migraine medications but 1 and I can no longer take my normal rescues either.
My body has gone into full overload. I feel like I’m in a constant state of head pain these days. Some days more manageable than others. And tylenol does very little to help either. My neurologists says many women respond to pregnancy, so they may decrease significantly during and after pregnancy. But I have to get there first and others have said don’t count on that happening 😫
The love and sacrifice, even now, for my unborn child is hella strong!!!
Baby… Baby… Baby
I literally have not stopped thinking about babies from the first day this journey started. The reality of finally living out one of my dreams and becoming a mother seemed real. And as excited as I was, I didn’t realize it would effect me so much.
Its the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing before I go to bed. Its the main thing I notice around me and the yearning that shows up for every mother I encounter. Its the section I find myself skimming when in stores and the most searched topic in my browser. Its the thing that consumes my thoughts and the excitement I experience when this process brings me one step closer. Of course considering many things that come with this decision of motherhood. Things like finances, medical considerations, building my support system, making lifestyle changes, childcare plans, flexibility and changes to my schedule
Even with the nonstop constant thoughts, I am clear that my life is wonderful and unfolding exactly as it should. So I counter my desires by remembering the things I’m grateful for, thinking positive thoughts, limiting the time I wallow in sadness, helping others, and being supportive of mothers around me
A Fight Until the End
Becoming a mother once seemed like a far-fetched goal. But now that it’s within reach, insurance won’t let me be great. Insurance denied my coverage for IUI because I am not married and my egg wouldn’t be fertilized by my spouse. Someone please tell me if we are really in 2021 with policies like this? How is this not discriminatory and exclusive. They are making a lot of assumptions about the way people define family. What the policy does not cover and make accommodations for is the Single Mother by Choice community
Well you know the social worker in me was not ok with this logic and plans to fight back. I have spoken to several representatives who have not been interested in helping me but only to reiterate the inequality that goes on in this field. And if that isn’t enough, the insurance runaround where you get a different response from each person you talk to was real. After speaking with a supervisor, I have finally found a way to appeal to the Employee Benefits Division and the Maryland Insurance Administration. Policies need to change and if I have to be one of the crusader to get in the fight, I will!!!
I am in for the fight until the end!
What’s in a Donor?
You never fully understand what goes into choosing a donor until you do it yourself! I had this glamorous idea in my mind that I would have a donor party. Assemble the people closest to me, have some wine, enjoy each others company, and look through donor profiles together. After I grieved the donor party idea, I realized I had to get to work to make decisions that would best fit my needs to conceive with. Funny thing is, I started the donor search out with this long list of criteria, almost like what I would expect to find in a partner. Some of it unrealistic honestly and unfortunately found that yielded no results. So I evaluated what was most important to me….
I started with tall, dark, and handsome! Initially I knew I wanted an African American donor who was tall (so I could give my child a fighting chance since I am short). I also gauged their personality from the essays and looked at careers/education level. I was so disappointed by the lack of African American donors available at sperm banks and of course the thoughts of why that is definitely ran through my mind. It ultimately let me to the decision to expand my search to include other persons of color.
Let me be honest doing this process can be a very exciting but also very overwhelming and frustrating at the same time. During my process, I had some input from persons but ultimately realized the decision was mine to make. I was so excited when I chose my #1 donor but soon became disappointed again when I confirmed that he only had 3 vials total available and would not be donating more. I was crushed and had to grieve yet another thing in this process. I was able to go back through and pick 2 donors that I would choose from. I was equally happy with both donors as back up choices but then came the genetic testing results. Because I am a carrier for 2 diseases, I had to make sure that any donor I chose was also not a carrier for the same thing. Ultimately, the genetics screening is what chose my top donor because one of them didn’t have an expanded panel. So now found myself grieving yet again that the option to choose was taken from me but at the same time felt confident in the choice I was making. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.
I thought for sure, after choosing, my next step would be purchasing this very expensive sperm. (side note: I am still trying to figure out why it is so expensive for 2 vials.) But got stopped and had to do a genetic review of the donor and wait for my doctor to sign off on it, which seems like a lifetime when all you want to do is secure your sperm. After a few days in the doctors hand and delays from a trip- I can report that I have OFFICIALLY chosen a donor and purchased the vials today! This process taught me that choosing the single mom route causes you to appreciate the input and support of important persons as well as the medical team in my life.
Genetics and More
I would like to think I am a smart person. So why it is that as soon as the genetic counselor started talking I got lost? It literally sounded like “womp womp womp.” I must have said can you spell that several times and think I asked the same questions like 3-4 times in trying to understand it all.
I also had not prepared myself for the possibility that I was a carrier for anything and that this was just a formality. So imagine my surprise as I learned more about my genetic makeup and of course had a crash course review of a biology lesson in how genes work. One thing is for sure, having this enlightening conversation made clear just how important it is to have this done.
I am grateful that I had an amazing genetic counselor who took the time to make sure that I understood everything that was said. As well as go above and beyond, to help me determine the testing that had been done on my donor choices to determine compatibility.
As for compatibility, I have also learned that sperm banks do not have an expanded panel of testing on all donors (mainly those that donated before a certain time). Which means, I lose donor options. And I know, the conversation is if I was having this baby naturally with a partner, I would never know. But as the old saying goes, when you know better you do better! And since I know, I will definitely be making the decision to ensure donor is a good match!
The Wait Phase
I have officially come to understand what so many talk about as the “hurry up and wait” process. There is an increased urgency and emphasis put on your pre-testing and scheduling of appointments. So you rush to complete all the items on your checklist and then what???
Well in my wait phase, I spent some time practicing. My Godsister recently said “practice makes perfect” right? Meaning you become better at something if you do it often. But that is only one piece of the pie and other factors contribute to skill development. VeryWell Mind suggests other important factors include overall intelligence, how early you start learning, your memory capacity, inborn talent, and most importantly mental practice. Of course, mental practice involves imagining the steps you must go through to perform a task.
While nothing can fully prepare you for the excitement, chaos, and exhaustion of motherhood there are two things to remember: First, exploration is an important part of the process and second, be courageous and not afraid to make mistakes!
Working Mother proposes that there are many life experiences you’ve already encountered, that will help prepare for this journey called Motherhood. Here are just a few
- The all-nighters you pulled in college help show you, it is possible to function on very little sleep
- All the Ikea furniture you put together will come in handy when getting the nursery together or constructing a complicated toy
- Buying a home can be a extremely complicated process, similar to filling out the post-delivery hospital paperwork or signing up for daycare
- Blizzards (or even the COVID pandemic) that force you stay inside for several days in a row is comparable to your maternity leave
- Dropping something outside with high winds and having to chase after it, is much like running after your child nonstop
(Articles referenced in posts include: https://www.workingmother.com/20-unexpected-things-that-actually-prepare-you-for-working-motherhood and https://www.verywellmind.com/does-practice-really-make-perfect-2795158)
One Thing
Bringing a child into this world is such a daunting task itself. And even more nerve racking when you’re doing it alone. But I feel good about my decision and the support from others that I have received. I know it will not be easy but I am up for the challenge!
However, if I am being honest for a second… There is 1 thing that scares me the most about bringing a child into this world. And that thing which scares me the most about it is ensuring their safety! Especially in the wake of the murder trial of one Black man and now the shooting of another by police, this has been on my mind heavy.
As an African American woman, I will be raising a Black child in these times. Parents of Black children have to protect their kids from the usual dangers that other parents worry about. But on top of that, they must protect their children from internalizing the attacking messages that tell them they are not good enough, too violent, not smart enough, not pretty enough or not as valuable because of the color of their skin.
Questions that often come to my mind include:
- How do I help them embrace Black culture when the world wants to strip it away?
- At what point does my Black child become a threat to others/police?
- At what point do you have the inevitable “talk” with your child to increase their odds of coming home?
- How do I console my child, not if but when they have their first experience with racism?
- How do I help them process their feelings when I am so confused by my own?
This concern is the next task for me to address personally before my child is born. Because at the end of the day, I recognize that raising a Black child is a gift and its my job to empower them!
Marathon Appointments
If scheduling the appointments was bad, I should have known what was to come.
Thursday March 25- Lets just say I left my house yesterday at 7:30p and didn’t get home until almost 5:00p. Started with check in with the PCP, 2nd dose of the Varicella vaccine, blood work, and the Maternal Fetal Medicine consult. Definitely informational but it was information overload! I had to adjust to the news that due to serious medical issues, age, and weight- I am considered a “at-risk” pregnancy. Its a hard pillow to swallow but I am committed to persevere and loving the dynamic team I am building to help my dreams come to fruition.
Friday March 26- Day 3 of cycle appointments at Shady Grove. Kind of routine so I thought. But no one prepared me for the vaginal ultrasound!!!! And I clearly had breakfast on the way to the appointment when I was supposed to be fasting. Results turned out ok. They are worried about follicle production as that number is not where they want it. Another period of waiting for all updates to be received before seeing my doctor in late April.
Through all this, I only want my future baby to know how much it is wanted!
It’s Here
The long anticipated Day 1 of my cycle is here! The advice from a good friend, to stop thinking about it finally worked. But lets pause to say, that as excited as I am about taking the next steps, I could have gone without the cramping. That is something that definitely makes me miss the IUD.
Let me press play with the fact that my head is also spinning after talking to my clinical team at Shady Grove. It all started to sound like a foreign language when they started talking about Day 3, Day 7-12 appointments, HSG, genetic testing, ultrasounds, and bloodwork. So over the next 2 weeks I will spend a lot of time going from appointment to appointment!
How to keep up with it all? I am using my phone calendar and work planner! And because I need all things in one place, I created a Fertility binder (yes organized with dividers, labels, and of course sticky note reminders). This part of the journey is definitely preparing me for motherhood: THE JUGGLING ACT!
Hurry Up Already
As females we spend our entire lives hating “that time of the month.” Well now I am spending my days wishing for my period to come, so I can move into the next phase of this process! The wait time after having an IUD removed, can be gruesome.
Everyone tells me the moment I relax and don’t think about it is when it will surprise me. So what have I done to pass the time? Implement some self care by painting pictures, using inspirational coloring books, helping others around me, and getting plenty of rest…