The Guilt is Real
It has been difficult to even write this post but when I started this journey, I agreed to document the good and bad. This has been a challenging pregnancy to say the least and even more tears shed.
I went from being sick constantly to dealing with the gestational diabetes diagnosis to then dealing with other health issues. I have consistently had a urinary tract infection that they can’t figure out how to get rid of, elevated liver enzymes, and now rapid pulse rate. The rapid pulse rate has initiated a new set of doctors and appointments to schedule. My primary care doctor referred me to see a cardiologist who has initiated EKG’s, echocardiogram, and a 5 day heart monitor. The crazy thing is I don’t feel anything and to me it doesn’t seem like my heart is racing. But sure enough when they test it, its elevated more than it should be during pregnancy.
At the start of this journey I was excited about being pregnant, excited about the adventure I was embarking on. But that excitement quickly turned into guilt. Guilt because I recognize that I chose this path by getting pregnant but if I’m honest with myself, I am not enjoying it as much as I wanted to. I am not even sure what I expected but never imagined this. And the craziest question to ask a pregnant woman is, “are you stressed.” Absolutely I am stressed: First of all I am a social worker so my job comes with a level of stress, then managing my normal OB/MFM appointments on top of the new specialist appointments, constantly thinking about healthy pregnancies, getting my house ready, making registry lists, concern about how my baby is doing, worrying if that stomach pain means something, and most of all am I going to be enough.
I will say the guilt sometimes gets balanced out when exciting milestones happen. Such as monthly/trimester changes, when I see my baby at appointments, feeling her move, and being celebrated by others. So when I take a step back and take a deep breath I realize that these are just speed bumps on the journey to my ultimate goal of holding my baby girl in my arms. And continue to remind myself that this to shall pass and with God I am capable.
Holiday Season
I have to admit, this holiday season caused me to do a lot of thinking because this will be the last holiday solo. Now don’t get me wrong, I have never really been solo because I have my amazing family. But the idea of officially starting my own family will definitely bring a new meaning to the holiday season. My family has so many traditions we engage in around the holidays. Some of them include opening one gift on Christmas eve, baking cookies, wearing special Christmas socks, etc. We also typically travel to Jersey to be with my grandmother and other family there. But I have been thinking long and hard about how things might change. Of course, I would want to preserve and continue many of my family traditions because those are so important to pass down. But also thinking about what new traditions I may want to start. There are so many things to think about and it can be a little overwhelming.
I also think about how my Christmas shopping will look different too. Most times during Black Friday, I am usually getting items for myself or the house. But that will change as I will have to be shopping for baby girl. And I mean naturally Christmas gifts for others might become less as well. But my family has also already reminded me that, once you have a baby, you are no longer important. The funny thing is, I am ok with that. What people don’t understand, is I have dreamed about this forever. I have waited so long to be a mother and bring a child into this world that I can’t wait to shower her myself and let my village do the same.
Change is not always such a bad thing and realistically I have another year to worry about this but excited about redefining my holidays!
First Weird Craving
It finally happened this week… I had the first weird craving combination and no it was not ice cream/pickles. It happened to be pizza and guacamole. To be clear it was a MOD Pizza cauliflower crust with grilled chicken, spinach, and chicken sausage pizza that I dipped in the guacamole. And it was so delicious that I went back for another round this weekend. Let’s just say this might be a new pregnancy favorite
New Normal
If the pandemic taught us anything it was how to adjust to a new normal. Well I am kind of grateful for those lessons because now I am finding myself adjusting to a new normal.
Most people that know me, know I am most likely not going to wait for someone else when I need something done and that I like things a certain way. Well let me tell you, that has been a big adjustment. I often struggle with asking or accepting help, especially when I feel I should be capable. I have had to realize that it is ok to let my walls down a little. And surprisingly people have been really open about the help and support.
These days, my body often tells me I need to lay down but then I also look at the table or floors that need to be cleaned and the battle ensues. I have say to myself, Sis them floors ain’t going no where, go on ahead and take that nap. Or now I can no longer wait until I ran out of underclothes to do laundry because I can’t carry that big of a load up/down all these flights of stairs. I also found that I could only do some of my Christmas decorations this year because they required some height and I have apparently been banned from getting on the step ladder. Imagine the adjustment I had to make
I am very grateful for the lessons now because I know that my expectations of self or getting things done by certain time, my abilities, and my will to want to do it on my own will drastically change once baby girl is here. So for now, I will continue to adjust to my new normal and enjoy the ride its taking me on