The Guilt is Real
It has been difficult to even write this post but when I started this journey, I agreed to document the good and bad. This has been a challenging pregnancy to say the least and even more tears shed.
I went from being sick constantly to dealing with the gestational diabetes diagnosis to then dealing with other health issues. I have consistently had a urinary tract infection that they can’t figure out how to get rid of, elevated liver enzymes, and now rapid pulse rate. The rapid pulse rate has initiated a new set of doctors and appointments to schedule. My primary care doctor referred me to see a cardiologist who has initiated EKG’s, echocardiogram, and a 5 day heart monitor. The crazy thing is I don’t feel anything and to me it doesn’t seem like my heart is racing. But sure enough when they test it, its elevated more than it should be during pregnancy.
At the start of this journey I was excited about being pregnant, excited about the adventure I was embarking on. But that excitement quickly turned into guilt. Guilt because I recognize that I chose this path by getting pregnant but if I’m honest with myself, I am not enjoying it as much as I wanted to. I am not even sure what I expected but never imagined this. And the craziest question to ask a pregnant woman is, “are you stressed.” Absolutely I am stressed: First of all I am a social worker so my job comes with a level of stress, then managing my normal OB/MFM appointments on top of the new specialist appointments, constantly thinking about healthy pregnancies, getting my house ready, making registry lists, concern about how my baby is doing, worrying if that stomach pain means something, and most of all am I going to be enough.
I will say the guilt sometimes gets balanced out when exciting milestones happen. Such as monthly/trimester changes, when I see my baby at appointments, feeling her move, and being celebrated by others. So when I take a step back and take a deep breath I realize that these are just speed bumps on the journey to my ultimate goal of holding my baby girl in my arms. And continue to remind myself that this to shall pass and with God I am capable.
Holiday Season
I have to admit, this holiday season caused me to do a lot of thinking because this will be the last holiday solo. Now don’t get me wrong, I have never really been solo because I have my amazing family. But the idea of officially starting my own family will definitely bring a new meaning to the holiday season. My family has so many traditions we engage in around the holidays. Some of them include opening one gift on Christmas eve, baking cookies, wearing special Christmas socks, etc. We also typically travel to Jersey to be with my grandmother and other family there. But I have been thinking long and hard about how things might change. Of course, I would want to preserve and continue many of my family traditions because those are so important to pass down. But also thinking about what new traditions I may want to start. There are so many things to think about and it can be a little overwhelming.
I also think about how my Christmas shopping will look different too. Most times during Black Friday, I am usually getting items for myself or the house. But that will change as I will have to be shopping for baby girl. And I mean naturally Christmas gifts for others might become less as well. But my family has also already reminded me that, once you have a baby, you are no longer important. The funny thing is, I am ok with that. What people don’t understand, is I have dreamed about this forever. I have waited so long to be a mother and bring a child into this world that I can’t wait to shower her myself and let my village do the same.
Change is not always such a bad thing and realistically I have another year to worry about this but excited about redefining my holidays!
First Weird Craving
It finally happened this week… I had the first weird craving combination and no it was not ice cream/pickles. It happened to be pizza and guacamole. To be clear it was a MOD Pizza cauliflower crust with grilled chicken, spinach, and chicken sausage pizza that I dipped in the guacamole. And it was so delicious that I went back for another round this weekend. Let’s just say this might be a new pregnancy favorite
New Normal
If the pandemic taught us anything it was how to adjust to a new normal. Well I am kind of grateful for those lessons because now I am finding myself adjusting to a new normal.
Most people that know me, know I am most likely not going to wait for someone else when I need something done and that I like things a certain way. Well let me tell you, that has been a big adjustment. I often struggle with asking or accepting help, especially when I feel I should be capable. I have had to realize that it is ok to let my walls down a little. And surprisingly people have been really open about the help and support.
These days, my body often tells me I need to lay down but then I also look at the table or floors that need to be cleaned and the battle ensues. I have say to myself, Sis them floors ain’t going no where, go on ahead and take that nap. Or now I can no longer wait until I ran out of underclothes to do laundry because I can’t carry that big of a load up/down all these flights of stairs. I also found that I could only do some of my Christmas decorations this year because they required some height and I have apparently been banned from getting on the step ladder. Imagine the adjustment I had to make
I am very grateful for the lessons now because I know that my expectations of self or getting things done by certain time, my abilities, and my will to want to do it on my own will drastically change once baby girl is here. So for now, I will continue to adjust to my new normal and enjoy the ride its taking me on
20 Weeks
Can you believe it because I definitely can’t… We are officially halfway there and it doesn’t seem real. I had my anatomy scan this week and got to see my baby girl from head to toe. It definitely makes all the medical, health, and food changes worth it.
She is weighing a whopping 11 ounces (which is actually on target even though it seems so small). The picture above is my baby girl very comfortable and sucking her thumb. She stayed in this position for most of the scan and wouldn’t budge for the technicians.
Hoping to feel my baby move as the weeks continue. Notice the 20 week baby bump below! I guess I won’t be able to hide it for too much longer. Starting to feel more and more pregnant each day
Butterflies….
The term butterflies in your stomach take on a whole a new meaning when you’re pregnant. I have recently been feeling a lot of flutters in my stomach especially at night when I am getting ready for bed. And I mean it literally feels like butterflies are flapping their wings and moving around. It feels really weird but at the same time is so exciting. The thought that I am really growing a little human inside me, who is starting to move around more. I am thinking this means my baby girl will be very active as she gets bigger and starts kicking.
Gestational Diabetes
Trust me- two words you don’t ever want to hear. The last week has been a little rough for me because in just one instance, my entire life changed. Ok maybe, I’m being a little dramatic but it is certainly overwhelming.
The 3hr glucose test showed elevated results at the 2hr mark and the 3hr mark and my doctor wants to be extra cautious and make sure it doesn’t develop into anything bigger. So she suggested the consult with a diabetes nurse and nutritionist. Everything was fun and games until they started talking and creating this unrealistic plan. Having to test my blood sugars 4x a day (when I first wake up and 1hr after every meal). To my surprise remembering to actually test is more difficult than I bargained for, especially as a social worker in a school where your time is often not your own. So even in trying to do that, I’ve felt a little bit like a failure. On top of that there is the meal plan which consists of 6 meals a day (breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, and evening snack). Which means I now have to make myself stay up long enough to have dinner and evening snack, AND allowing it all to digest before going to bed.
If that wasn’t enough, there are the food changes. Having a protein at every meal, being more conscious about labels, and no longer being able to have some of my comfort foods. They are also took away my cranmango juice and ginger ale. I mean i love water and all but is that really the only thing they expect me to drink for the next 4 months??????
It hasn’t even been a full week and I am tired. Not to mention the feelings of inadequacy or guilt feelings that have creeped back in. But I will say, someone helped me change my perspective a little and told me to remember my WHY! Why I decided to start this journey and why I wanted to have a child. And when I think about that, it definitely decreases the stress (even if only by a little lol) and I remind myself when I hold my daughter in about 4 1/2 months, it’ll all be worth it!
Gender Reveal….
Are you team PINK or team BLUE? Honestly I was open to either for different reasons. Growing up I think I always wanted a girl but the reality that the baby will have my last name made me think twice. With a boy, I could ensure that my fathers last name Parson would live on for years to come (since my sister and I are it). But either way I knew it meant that the Parson name would live on for at least another generation.
Some women have intuition about what they are having or of course fall into the superstitions about how they are carrying the baby. But honestly I had no clue and couldn’t decide whether I was team pink or team blue. Ultimately I just want a healthy baby that will come in strong and make their mark on this world!
And definitely excited about the results. I will leave the suspense and let you find out the same way we did. So check out the pics and gender reveal video at the link below and tell me what you think….
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1KK8eiVE2z9KkyCSkJgxfbu6YXAC1H3TG?usp=sharing
Official Announcement
They often say things are not official until it makes social media status right? I don’t really know but either way I did the impossible and posted to both Facebook and Instagram. I have to admit I was extremely nervous about what people might say, how they would react, or if they would say something stupid. But honestly the support and love has been AMAZING! My phone was blowing up yesterday after I posted. Calls, text, inbox messages, and replies. All of this further exhibits for me just how strong my support system is. I may be doing this as a SMC but I know I won’t be alone in this journey. Here is to 17 weeks down and 23 more to go!!!!
Gender Time
Picked up the gender information this week. The doctors office is amazing for the way they did my name LOL! It took everything in me not to open the envelope! I had to take it straight to my friends house so I wouldn’t be tempted. I can’t wait until next weekend for the gender reveal with my village!