The Guilt is Real

The Guilt is Real

It has been difficult to even write this post but when I started this journey, I agreed to document the good and bad. This has been a challenging pregnancy to say the least and even more tears shed.

I went from being sick constantly to dealing with the gestational diabetes diagnosis to then dealing with other health issues. I have consistently had a urinary tract infection that they can’t figure out how to get rid of, elevated liver enzymes, and now rapid pulse rate. The rapid pulse rate has initiated a new set of doctors and appointments to schedule. My primary care doctor referred me to see a cardiologist who has initiated EKG’s, echocardiogram, and a 5 day heart monitor. The crazy thing is I don’t feel anything and to me it doesn’t seem like my heart is racing. But sure enough when they test it, its elevated more than it should be during pregnancy.

At the start of this journey I was excited about being pregnant, excited about the adventure I was embarking on. But that excitement quickly turned into guilt. Guilt because I recognize that I chose this path by getting pregnant but if I’m honest with myself, I am not enjoying it as much as I wanted to. I am not even sure what I expected but never imagined this. And the craziest question to ask a pregnant woman is, “are you stressed.” Absolutely I am stressed: First of all I am a social worker so my job comes with a level of stress, then managing my normal OB/MFM appointments on top of the new specialist appointments, constantly thinking about healthy pregnancies, getting my house ready, making registry lists, concern about how my baby is doing, worrying if that stomach pain means something, and most of all am I going to be enough.

I will say the guilt sometimes gets balanced out when exciting milestones happen. Such as monthly/trimester changes, when I see my baby at appointments, feeling her move, and being celebrated by others. So when I take a step back and take a deep breath I realize that these are just speed bumps on the journey to my ultimate goal of holding my baby girl in my arms. And continue to remind myself that this to shall pass and with God I am capable.